Solitude
by Priss-2040
Summary: Wolfwood's thoughts on how he can't have Vash, becasue Vash is in love with Meryl. Spoilers. VashxMeryl


AN- This is a WolfwoodxVash fic. This idea popped into my head after I listened to the song a few times.  
  
There is another pairing, VashxMeryl. It's Wolfwood's thoughts on how much he wants Vash, but Vash only wants to be with Meryl. You'llget it as you read. Also, this is the one and only warning:  
  
SPOILERS AHEAD!  
  
YAOI: WxV (Nothing really hard though. Citrus. Maybe Lime. It all depends on how you look at it.)  
  
LOTS OF ANGST: Better grab the tissues kids. This ones sad.  
  
OTHER PAIRING: VxM  
  
MILD LANGUAGE

MILD VIOLENCE

MILD MALE ON MALE ACTION  
  
RATING: R (Though I think its a bit too strong but its better safe then sorry)  
  
Disclaimer: Do not own Trigun. Do not own the song Solitude, Evenescence does.  
  
Title:Solitude  
  
POV: Wolfwood  
  
I didn't have a beta for this, so there might be some spelling errors in this. I am sorry. I also don't have microsoft word at the moment, so this is written in Notepad.

_lyrics  
_  
_How many times have you told me you love her  
As many times as I wanted to tell you the truth  
How long have I stood here beside you  
I lived through you, you looked through me  
_  
How long has it been now? A good two or three years since we first met in Mei City. I remember when I first met you, you didn't appear to be Vash the Stampede. You were a goody goody, with a big heart. You didn't live up to the rumors or anything. And no one mentioned you were traveling with the girls either.Milly and Meryl. Meryl. You loved her, didn't you? I remember, on nights when we would be out in thedesert. Back after Augusta happened. You remember, don't you? The way I looked at you, when youasked me if I was really in love with Milly? And you remember my answer, don't you? I said no. I had hoped that you were going to say something along the lines of, I don't really love Meryl either, butI do like you, or Hey Nick, wanna hook up? But no. I remember what you said. You said, I really love MerylI want to tell her but I don't know how. And I had to turn away from you for just the moment. Just the little moment, when my heart broke into a thousand little pieces. And then you went on and on abouthow much you really wanted to settle down with her, but knew you couldn't just yet. You wouldn't tellme why either. But I knew. Oh I knew.  
  
_Solitude  
Still with me is only you  
Solitude  
I can't stay away from you  
_  
But before I met you. I lived alone. Just me myself and I. And it never really bothered me much. But then I just had to met you. And I knew from then on I couldn't contiue with the mission. I couldn't bring a sweet man like you, to that horrible, insane being. He wanted you to change your way of life, to bettersuit him. He wanted you to be like him. An evil person who wanted this whole goddamn planet for himself. But I knew you were different.  
  
_How many times have I done this to myself  
How long will it take before I see  
When will this hole in my heart be mended  
Who now is left alone but me  
_  
How long did it take for me to realize just how much you really didn't have feelings for me? Or what about all those times you told me the many different ways you wanted to propose to Meryl? None of that would ever have been for me. I know. I am a man of many needs, and my biggest need was Vash the Stampede. Maybe it was more of Lust then Love? But what is the difference between the two? There really is no difference if you look at it. I knew I loved you before I started to think about what it would be like to wake up to you next to me. Sure, I woke up next to you when we used to have to share hotel rooms together. But you were always on the other side of the room, instead of being right next to me in bed. I wanted so much to just wrap my armsaround you, and kiss you. I wanted to kiss each and every scar on your body, and make any and all pain go away. I knew you would have made my pain go away. All of my sorrow, and depression would have been taken away, if only Meryl and Milly hadn't have been araound. You woudl have whispered things in my ear. Comforting phrases. And I can only imagine what it would be like to have you wrapped around me. With you pounding in and out of my body. I would scream your name, and you would do the same for me. We would hold each other after, and kiss, and just bask in the after glow of making love. And with me and you, it would be making love. Not just sex, or a quick fuck, but acctual love.   
  
_Solitude  
Forever me and forever you  
Solitude  
Only you, Only true  
Everyone leaves me stranded  
Forgotten, abandoned left behind  
I can't stay here another night  
_  
But you know what? If I stay here with you, and see you with her, it will just drive me into a deeper depression then I already am in. So, in my head, that is clouded with so much emotion as it is, I come to one conslusion. Drive you away from me. I do so by, killing that child. I knew from the start he was going to shoot you, and it was my perfect opportunity to do so. So I shot. And I know that you would hate me then. I knew you wouldn't dare speak with me. Not after I hit you, and not after that look you gave me. That utter lookof betrayl. So now I must leave. Becasue I know my presence isn't welcome in your house any more. I wonder if I left, and you and meryl got together. Would you let me in to your house now? No of course not So, the rational thing to do is throw all caution into the wind, and leave you a little note before I go. A note that says my true feelings for you. Yes. This would be my confession. The confession of a preacher.  
  
_Your secret admirer, who could it be_  
  
So, I'll just leave you a note, and not sign it. You would get the hint of who it was from though. No doubt after you ask Meryl, she'll say no, but then you'll proabably do something, and then you'll end up telling her that you wish the note was from her, becasue you love her so much. It makes me sick just thinking about what she'll say and about what she'll do. I know what you'll both do.   
  
_Can't you you see all along it was me  
  
How can you be so blind as to see right through me_  
  
You'll probably end up making love to her right there on the spot. And then a few years down the line, you'll put two and two together and figure out it was me. Of course by then, I will be dead. For today is the day I die. You know why I am going to die today Vash? Because I was sick of driving you away. I was sick of seeing you love someone that's not me. I was sick of living. So, I went, and decided to put stock into your beliefs. I wanted to see what it would be like for one day to be in Vash the Stampede's shoes. I couldn't lead you to Knives. Becasue I could see that you wanted so badly to have a future with Meryl. I could see that there would never be a me and you Only a You and her. It was my mistake that took my life, becasue for an instant I thought I heard you say you love me. I thought I saw in your eyes that you had wanted me. That there would be a me and you. You remeber, don't you? When you forgave me for killing the child. I thought I saw something in your eyes. But no. That was silly of me. So now here I am. Walking towards you. I feel small drips of blood rolling down my body, and I knew if I never did anything now, you would never know. I never had time to write that letter, so here it is Vash. "Knives is in Denitrihi."

There. In just those four words I proved two things to you. That I loved you so much I couldn't take you all the way to meet your fate at the hands of Knives. And I also proved that I was your biggest enimey in the end.  
  
_Solitude  
Forever me and forever you  
Solitude  
Only you, only true  
_  
So now, I am in the church. The life is dripping away from me like the blood from my wounds. It soothing and yet disturbing at the same time. Knowing that soon you and I will accept our fates. Though both very different, but in the end its love that matters right? I couldn't tell you flat out that I loved you. I couldn't tell you flat out that I had lied to you every day that we were together. I failed at seeing things your way. And now, my vision is blurring, and I can hear your faint voice trying so desperatly to get me to hold on, and stay with you. As much as I would like to Vash, I can't. You have Meryl. And I don't love Milly. So what's the point of me being here.  
And for the second time that day, as the world around me blacked out, I thought I heard you say,  
"I love you Nick."


End file.
